The Rabbit Mystery
So here’s the thing: you humans have some really strange holidays, and for some reason they show up in my castle in really weird ways. I’ve been meditating on this, and I think it’s because there’s a strange, cosmic meet-up of the Critter World, and the Human World, here in my castle – uh, that is, the clinic here.
The problem is that I’m the only one who lives here, so I’m the only one who’s here at night, so I’m the only one who sees some of this stuff. I’m sure that some of our critter guests also see it, but for some reason they won’t talk about it. And an awful lot of what goes on happens right by my big beautiful bed, or my wicked nice basket. Usually just as I’m trying to fall asleep.
“And that’s the problem with your theory,” Ms. Bossy Pants said when I told her about it. “Right by your bed, or your basket, correct? Where you sleep? Does it occur to you, Lou, that maybe you’re actually dreaming all this stuff?”
“Yeah, Lou,” The New Guy always has to get a word in, even if I’m not talking to him. “You’re a big sleeper. Maybe if you exercised more you wouldn’t be so fat, and you wouldn’t have to produce bizarre dreams for excitement!”
Jeez! Did he just actually call my sleek handsomeness fat??!! He doesn’t know who he’s fooling with!
“It’s not like we don’t have some mousies that need to be hunted down, Lou,” The Enforcer chimed in. “And you could lay off the catnip, buddy!”
Oh, those two are on my list. Just wait ‘til I --- ooooh, chin scratch, purr purr purr. Purr purr purr. What was I saying?
Oh, right: about my theory.
So, this year, I have proof. When she wasn’t looking, I stole the Nice Lady’s cell phone the other night, and I’ve been taking photos. Since humans only seem to believe what they can see, this should convince them.
Last year, I told my servants – uh, that is, the highly-trained veterinarian personnel – about the giant rabbit that shows up sometime after the calendar says it’s Spring. He hops in here, with a giant basket on his arm, raises a ruckus and gets all the guest critters barking and yowling, runs rampant over my best boxes and knocks stuff onto the floor and steals any food I’ve been saving for a midnight snack –
and I chase him, of course, but somehow he mesmerizes me and I fall down and curl up, but all the while I can hear him ransacking some spot out back. Then he hops fast, his basket full of something he’s snatched from my castle, wiggles his nose and fluffs his tail at me, and hops away laughing, and I don’t see him again for another year. Just about dawn I can move again, but the mess has been made, and when my first servant shows up to make my breakfast, I get blamed for the mess he’s made, and no one believes me about the giant rabbit.
But this year I have proof, and I’ve figured out what the giant rabbit is coming for! A couple of weeks ago this showed up in my basket:
Rabbit, right? But not the giant one. This little rabbit hung around for awhile, and let me bat it around, but then, then- a second one showed up:
“Oh, cute!” I hear you thinking. But not so cute! Two nights ago, this showed up:
I really thought that this weird little cat had arrived to help me deal with the bunnies, but it turns out it’s a traitor. Look at this:
Last night, here’s what I found:
And this is what I discovered about that! Those two bunnies are making eggs just as fast as they can, and the cat – the cat, would you believe, is taking the eggs and hiding them somewhere in my castle where I can’t find them!
I managed to hook one with my claw and chomped it – it’s nasty, I spit it right out. I was hoping for, you know, egg- but it was some nasty kind of thing you humans call chocolate and a soft gooey, not yolk, center. Yuck. I buried it in my litter box, it was really disgusting.
During the day, the second bunny and the cat disappear, and only the red bunny stays. I tried to tell Ms. Bossy Pants and The Enforcer about it, but Ms Bossy Pants just said, “Oh, Lou, you have such an imagination! That’s just a catnip toy one of your fans brought you to play with. There isn’t a blue one, or a kitty! Go do something useful, you silly thing!” And The Enforcer picked up the red bunny and threw it, so I had to go fetch it back. I have to admit – don’t tell the servants – it does smell a little like catnip.
But that’s not the whole story. I cornered the red bunny early this morning after the other one had left and before the kitty had taken away all the eggs they’d made. I shook him and batted him around until he was ready to talk.
“We make the eggs for the Easter Bunny, you big doofus,” he said. “He’ll come get them with his basket on Easter evening. Leave the eggs alone or there will be trouble!”
Aha! Proof! I knew it! But when I called Ms. Bossy Pants to come hear his confession, he wouldn’t talk. Good thing I’ve been keeping a photo journal. She’s gonna be surprised when she sees this!
In the meantime, I’ve battled the red bunny around pretty thoroughly, and now I’m going to search, again, for the egg cache. I hope I find it before the Giant Rabbit shows up and trashes the place. And now I’m making plans about how, this year, finally, I’m gonna catch that big bunny.