Hey there! Yo! You, yes, you!
Hey there! Yo! You, yes, you! Which one of you turned off the warm-and-sunny switch and accidentally turned on the cold-and-nasty switch? Switch it back!
In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a white and sleek and beautiful and extraordinarily slender but buff Lord of the Universe, but I don’t have control over the weather switch. In case it’s missed your decidedly limited human perception, WHITE DOESN’T SOAK UP HEAT READILY and also, YOU’VE DIETED ME OUT OF WARM PLUMPNESS AND INTO SLIM CHILLINESS. So either turn the climate switch back to warm-and-sunny, or turn up the quantities of Greenies in my diet so I won’t freeze to death!
Jeez! You’d think this would be obvious, even to my slightly dim-witted servants – uh, that is, the highly-trained veterinary specialists that I allow to use my clinic during daytime hours. But no – they open that outside door and BLAM! Cold wind, frosty wet, and no sun blasts my otherwise comfortable nest. And do they offer goodies to apologize for offending My Handsomeness in that way? No! They’ve still got me on restricted rations! Can you believe it??
And then they have the gall to leave out free-serve disgusting treats for other humans and even --- dogs! This is not defensible, Humans!
I tried applying a lovely bindi to my forehead to remind them that I’m a Superior Being and deserve more consideration, but did it work? “Oh, Lou, what’s that yucky stuff on your forehead? Did you get into something greasy? Here, let me clean it off for you!” they said, and then destroyed my hard-to-apply splotch and seriously fluffed me. Someone’s going to get bit.
Fortunately, one of my outside human worshippers brought me a fresh-plucked bouquet of catnip today. But even that came with a human downer: “Enjoy this, Lou, it’s probably the last one until spring. I had to cut this from the compost bin, which is the only place warm enough to have fresh growth now.” And then – and then!!! One of my servants whipped away the lovely bundle and handed back only one measly sprig. “You can’t have all this at once, Lou. It gets you too wound up!”
Who do these people think they are? That was an offering, for heaven’s sake! It was mine! Mine!
Just remember, Humans, that Hallowe’en’s coming and on that day, even white cats can turn black and play magic tricks. So watch yourselves, or I might ---
What? What’s that, you say? Mealtime? OH! Purr, purr, purr, I love you guys. Did I ever tell you how much I love you guys? Oh, I do, I do!
Sooo hungry I have to lick the crumbs from my toes…