End of Year Handsomness!
Happy New Year Everyone!
Dear Humans, Here I am, in my end-of-year holiday Handsomeness! One of my servants – uh, that is, the highly-trained veterinary staff here at my clinic – realized how very, very gorgeous I would be dressed in red velvet. And you can see she was right – red makes my purrfect white sleekness shine, and the velvety bowtie just sets off my own silky coat to purrfection. I am extremely elegant duded up in my holiday suit, if I do say so myself.
I think I do need a hat to make my tenue habille complete. I remembered there’s a fat bearded fella who usually invades my clinic sometime near the end of December (too cold, too white, someone turn the outdoor thermostat up!). Many years I’ve sat up several nights trying to catch him, but weirdly fall asleep suddenly and when I wake up, there’s just a pile of snow on the floor and sometimes a new catnip mousie in my basket. I caught a quick peek at him only once on his way out – just his broad hind end, looked kind of like a St. Bernard in drag. But I noticed he had a velvety-looking red hat that I think would look just right with my very chic bowtie. And I could use it as a pillow or a sleeping bag when I’m not wearing it.
So this year my intention was to catch him. I plotted carefully – spent daytimes tucked away in a dark corner sleeping, so I could stay awake at night. Ate a couple of power meals when the humans were still around, so I’d be at my best when the night visitor arrived. (He might look like a jolly old St. Bernard, but those things can get testy when you challenge them.) Did some practice runs around the clinic, over the reception desk, around the corner, up over and down under the benches – you know, checking my speed and agility. Soon I was sure I was ready.
So the evening of the 23 rd, I picked a good spot – under one of the benches, where I could race out and tackle him around the ankles and quickly climb him when he came in the door, before he had time to put a sleep spell on me. I stayed up all night – didn’t even take my eyes off the door long enough to check out the suspiciously mousie-like noises coming from one of the back rooms. That was hard, I’ll tell ya. But nothing happened. No fat man, and no St. Bernards, either.
I ate a power breakfast, whined until my servants gave me an extra ration of Greenies (“OK, Lou, it’s Christmas. You can have an extra treat this once.”), and slept all day. I ignored everyone when they tried to get me to sing carols with them. Woke in time for another power meal, then studied my plan.
As soon as the servants were gone, and Ms. Bossy was well out of sight, I got my tool down from the desk and batted it over to my hidey spot under the bench. Moved that big stuffed dog too – put it so I could rest partly on it (I was stiff after the night before!) and so it would partly hide me. Put my laser tool next to me. Was going to indulge in a little catnip as a pick-me-up, but with great self-willpower, I decided to stay fully sober. Then I waited. And waited.
And waited. And just as I was feeling my whiskers start to relax, suddenly the door flew open!
It was the St. Bernard in drag! I quickly pounced on my tool and it sent a beam to the Big Dog’s leg and I dashed after it, quick as can be. I muckled onto his leg – why was he wearing boots?? – and started to climb up. I could see the red hat, just above his white beard...why did the St. Bernard have a beard??...and then I heard, “Hel-lo, Lou, you handsome beast! Why aren’t you sleeping?”
And then – and then – as I reached out for the gorgeous red hat with fully extended magnificent claws, suddenly I seemed to be floating on a cloud of smoke. Pipe smoke. Why was the St. Bernard smoking a pipe?? And I floated through the air; and that’s all I remember, except that the St. Bernard seemed to be barking “Ho Ho Ho!” How could a St. Bernard bark Ho Ho Ho??
When I woke up next morning I was in my basket. My gorgeous white fur was dusted, literally dusted, with catnip. I had catnip on my nose. I had catnip in my ears. I had catnip between my toes. There was catnip on the tip of my tail. And there was a new toy mousie tucked in bed with me. And a pile of melted snow on the rug by the door.
My tool was back in its place, and the giant stuffed dog was back in its place. I heard noises out back, and in a moment I heard one of my servants call, “Lou! Breakfast!” I was kinda dizzy when I got out of my basket, and my servant said, “Boy, you were having a deep dream when I got here, and you look like you maybe overdid the holiday catnip. But Happy Christmas, Lou! Did you find the mousie Santa left you?”
I don’t know this Santa, and I don’t believe St. Bernards, in drag or not, leave mousies in cats’ baskets. I don’t know what happened last night, and I don’t know how I got back into my basket or where the catnip came from. Somehow I didn’t manage to capture myself a wicked fine red velvet hat. But I do know this: there was a little bit of white fluff caught on one of my claws, and it smells of pipe smoke and St. Bernard.
Happy New Year, everyone!